Have you ever felt like there is a word on the tip of your tongue but you can't seem to say it? It rolls around in your mouth, over the rugged terrane of your teeth, floating over your lips, so real you can taste it, but you simply can't say it. The word has substance and lacks form or sound. It is a strange sensation.
You have no idea what I'm talking about and think I should see someone about this condition? Fair.
Ok, try this one on for size-
Have you ever known something... yet the thought is shrouded in fog, buried under silken layers of gray smoke? You know it is there but you just can't seem to fully see it. My friend Court describes this sensation as having something "behind a veil".
It is as if your life is a play. You have spent months, years, decades, writing, rehearsing, shed blood sweat and tears, to get to opening night. You take your seat in the audience and wonder what will be behind the curtain. Will the show go up on-time? Will things turn out as you hoped? Will the work have been worth it? Only then you realize you are in the wrong auditorium.
This is where I'm at. It is so frustrating. I pride myself on being an eloquent person and every time I try to speak about what this is, what I feel in my bones, in my soul, words fail me. It is the unknown, known. I KNOW it is there, but I don't know what it is. There is an undeniable longing to see, taste, hear, feel whatever it may be. It is Divine- God, Spirit, Truth, Gene (heeeeyyyy Gene). I feel crazy saying that... er... writing that, but at the same time it makes more sense to me than any other thing I can come up with.
Words are fail to come. I push out sentences thinking, "wait... is that what I am trying to say? I don't think it is... maybe it is... oh fuck it!" HA! That is where I usually end up- fuck it- apathy, resistance, avoidance... ooooohhh man, that is IT isn't it!? I know that the answers I am seeking are on the other side of surrender. That if I am still, if I am quiet, if I ask, if I listen, things will start to unfold.
What is behind the veil in your life? What are you waiting for? What are you resisting? I'd love to know.