Can you please explain to me what is so appealing about having your ass hanging out of your shorts? This question may make me sound like my mother, but I do not care. I am baffled by the trend of booty cheek exposer. It blows my mind that Mom Jorts (jean-shorts for those of you not in the know) can simultaneously cover your navel and expose the poochy-doughnut-like round of your lower ass cheek.
This trend is not limited to the ladies either. I have seen more unwanted boy booty crack in the last year than I have ever thought possible. Most of them would like you to believe that this crack slippage is “accidental”, which is a nice thought, but often far from the truth; and lets be honest, most individuals would rather not see their nickel slot.
I have absolutely no problem with a tastefully sagged pant, as long as they aren’t hanging past bum level which is another thing entirely. The problem most often arises when, said gentlemen, belt their jeans, trousers, or otherwise, AND sag them at the same time! The belt hugs and pulls, taking their Calvin Kliens and Emporio Armanis with it, creating the ultimate muffin top out of the upper third of their booty cheeks. THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE UNLESS YOU ARE IN PRISON SON! (ahem… sorry I was just channeling my dads rage against sagging pants, the man was a stickler).
As with everything, their are exceptions. Hard bodied yoga teachers for instance. Their wearing of tiny apparel makes sense and probably ups the attendance in their classes; also, they don’t have celulite or sagging skin to influence their wardrobe decisions. Twerk Team member, though they probably shouldn’t wear booty shorts, are exempt because it is their “uniform” (or something like that). Bathing suits and other beach attire are also excused, as well as any career that requires you to bear booty (Hooters is on the fence). Accidents happen, we are human after all, just be mindful of that draft flowing in from behind and pull them drawers up.
Listen, I am not about to tell you that you HAVE to cover those tender cheeks, do what you will, it is a free country. Just, maybe, look in the mirror, go to the gym, pull up (or down) your bottoms, and then go about your day. It really is for the best.
Sent with love and consideration.
A Concerned Stranger
*Illustrations by Kelsey Zahn