I am the master of my fate… though often times I doubt my ability to lay the path that I am supposed to take or create (build) the life I am supposed to lead. This doubt is fed by the fact that, I am a person of questions (and many, many options), which is both a blessing and a curse. I tend to think about things far too much, far too often, and run myself in circles to the point of not remembering where I started to begin with.
A dear friend came to visit recently. To say the man is a wealth of information is to put it lightly, his knowledge and understanding (on most things) is incredibly humbling. Hearing him philosophize with Drew about the way in which the human mind functions was fascinating. Dissecting personality types, analyzing motives, qualifying actions… it was eye opening and soul crushing all at the same time.
Allow me to explain. One of the things that they kept circling back to was the idea that we, as people, have everything we need inside of ourselves. Yes, we need to learn certain things, adapt our skill sets with a specific focus, and seek out knowledge, but finding the motivation and acting upon what we already know to do is where things get tricky.
Trusting ourselves… ok, lets be honest, trusting MYself, is a very difficult task. I wish I were more brash… more of a “balls to the wall” personality, if you will. And I think, if anything, the experience of working freelance has taught me to be more self assured. However, the opposite side of the same coin is excruciating self doubt (don’t worry, I will talk about this topic ALOT). Finding balance between confidence and crippling fear is really hard, like Superman trying to save a bus load of people with Kryptonite on board, it often times feels next to impossible.
When I was younger, wide eyed and full of untarnished hope, I dreamt that I could do anything (be anyone… you know the usual childhood cliche). The only truble was… no one else really seemed to think it with me. I know my parents love and believe in me… but it never felt convincing… also my resolute dreams seemed destined to be broken by childhood bullies and the mean girls I wanted so desperately to be friends with. Self image and perception is directly related to our ability to have self belief; if one is missing the whole house of cards will come crashing down. As a result I developed some very bad habits, this is where the questioning came in and my confidence went out. I stopped trusting my instinct, stopped believing in my worth, fearing that my value of self may be misconstrued as being conceited or proud.
Years of this style of thinking took their tole, wearing away my resolutions, leaving me in the trenches. Over the last several years I have started to rebuild, but it is hard; after all, Rome wasn’t built in a day. But little by little, I set one stone on another. Every once in a while a wall falls, a river over flows it’s banks, or graffiti is scrawled in anger across a freshly built monu(accomplish)ment. But I am learning. Drew is on my team, even when we don’t see things the same we are still cheering from the bench, hoping for a home run.
“Everything you need, is already inside you” It may be an intense thought… but it is one I hope to honor some day.