Here’s the thing… the more I am away from “my people”, the more I think that I have become a nervous conversationalist. This may be due to the fact that I am shy (an introverted extrovert if you will) or perhaps it is because I am better on paper than in real life, or maybe (which I fear to be true reason) there is something much, much deeper routing around in my subconscious. This fear is not without reason. I often wonder (in social settings) if the words coming out of my mouth will fail to convey what I would like them to or worse that I am “that” person at the party with zero social skills, entirely lacking in verbal filtration.
I hope know this is not the case. However, I get tongue tied, tell rambling stories without a tangible point, and stutter when I worry that my brand of humor (usually brash and filled with sarcasm) isn’t being responded to the way I had hoped. That being said, the question becomes, would it get better if I just said “F-it! I am going to stutter and tell stories anyways!” My brain says NO (if you guessed that the answer is, indeed, YES it WOULD be better, then you get two points and a high-five) I’m not sure why… maybe it’s due to the fact that when Drew and I first started dating he told me, flat out, that I wasn’t funny, a statement he recanted in later years, but still!
I would like to think that I have grown into a Tina Fey or Amy Poehler worthy sense of humor, (you know, kind of awkward but amazing) that I speak with the grace and tact of a great actor (George Clooney the un-phase-able perhaps) and that my charm would win over where my words can not. The “think” at the beginning of this paragraph is key mind you.
Who knows, maybe someday I will get there. For the time being, I will settle for learning to laugh at myself and barrel through the awkward silences with reckless abandon. To Drew and all of you I know and love, bear with me please.