Tear it apart. Dig your fingers in and rip it apart at the seams. Watch it all unravel. See the tattered remains on the floor. Walk away.
This is the deconstructionist mind. Break everything down, grind your thoughts into dust. Pull apart your feelings one by one. Doesn't that feel better? Doesn't it feel superior?
Deconstruction is healthy. It is essential in fact. And if you had spoken to me in my mid 20s I would have told you that it was the ONLY thing. You MUST deconstruct or you will never find truth.
I half agree with this idea now. However, if you are deconstructing for the sake of deconstruction than you will never find what you are looking for. Deconstruction should be used as a means to finding reconstruction, a way to find healing and truth.
Our culture is obsessed with deconstructing the ideas we are presented, our upbringings, our faults, our failures, our lives in general. We see therapists and tell them everything that is wrong and never find resolution because being 'broken' is easier than finding healing. If we are whole it is harder to make excuses and reconstruction means changing our bad habits, taking responsibility for our actions and being present in our lives. We have learned 'victim hood' from a young age. We learn limiting language and start to view ourselves as stagnant beings.
NEWS FLASH- YOU CAN REBUILD, YOU CAN CHANGE
Right now you may feel like you are surrounded in the rubble of your life. You have waged war on yourself for years and the destruction is vast, but it is not hopeless. You are waking up. Many of us deconstruct from a dream like state. We feel that our lives are out of our control so we break down everything that is happening, shredding each and every pieces of ourselves. We believe this is important, it gives us significance, it makes us feel like we are in control of something, hell, it makes us feel things period. But when you wake up, when you see the smoke and ashes of the destruction around you, you realize that you (may) have gone too far.
I recently had an awakening. Awakening is painful yet liberating; my body, my mind, my soul trembled. I wept as the emotion welled up from within. I stood beneath the magnolia trees and smiled as tears flowed down my face. I saw the destruction I had caused within my body and, for the first time, felt its magnitude. I saw what I had done and realized that it was not the truth I had made it to be and I realized, how desperate for healing and wholeness I am. And best of all, I realized that, I am awake, I am capable, I am surrounded and supported, loved, and whole...You see, for years I said I didn't want children or rather that I didn't care about having children of my own. But in that moment, walking around Audubon park, that mantra crumbled. "I want to have a baby! I want to have little bio babies with Drew. I DO. I DO care. I want to be a mom!" Tears erupted, flowing, hot like lava as my heart sang its truth. "I would be a fucking great mom! I will be the mom that bakes (all the things free) cookies and crafts constantly. I will be weird and embarrassed the tiny humans in my life constantly." It was a beautiful moment; honesty and clarity radiating in my soul.
Unlocking this truth started a reconstruction in me. It connected me to my sexuality, my femininity, my womanhood, my drive, my ambition and my purpose. Yet again solidifying the wise words of Brené Brown, "You numb one emotion, you numb them all." Freeing this desire from the rubble of my deconstructionist mind started a chain reaction. I pulled feelings, wants, hopes, dreams, from the dust and destruction of my past and found healing from their release.
IT IS ALL CONNECTED
What is buried in the rubble of your life? What ideas, dreams and desires are trapped beneath the deconstructed conceptualization of your perceived reality?
As cheesy as it may sound do yourself a favor- watch the Tony Robbins documentary, read some Brené Brown, listen to the Rob Cast, find people that support you, who will help you dig for your truth and rebuild from within. Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself (and those around you) grace. It may be overwhelming and daunting to start but I promise you, you are 1,000% capable of being the person God, the Divine, created you to be.
Light and delight.