You feel it, in the core of your being, vibrating inside your chest… anticipation. Your mind wanders in unvoiced expectation, dreaming of the way things will be or rather how you hope them to be. Spending hours separated from the confines of reality we are suspended in a space where anything seems possible.
Example- Your dream date. He picks you up with roses, takes you to a romantic dinner by candle light, you stroll along the river, sharing your deepest feelings. He then takes you home, kisses you ever so gently, making your heart swell and ache all at once, and then he bids you a-due, promising to call the next day… and he does.
Does this ever happen? Rarely.
I am a person of unvoiced expectation, I allow my hopes to rise for things that may never come to be, and I am often left with my dreams dashed among the rocks in pieces. From there on, it is a negative spiral of the usual suspects creeping in- guilt, fear, shame, sadness, and anger… all of the most unattractive traits one can have. Even worse however, is the feeling of being the “rocks”, the thing that breaks apart someones expectations, whether conscious or not, it is a hard burden to bear.
Life leads you to self realization and if you allow it to move you, you will often find yourself in a better place than where you started. The danger lies in refusing to see that you are the “rocks”… not a rock as in a solid and reliable person, but “the rocks” that are harsh and unforgiving, demanding and intolerant.
“The rocks” for all their egocentric ideals (deeming themselves a modern day Mother Teresa, selfless and true), have a hard time seeing the wants and needs of others, whether they are physical, emotional, or even tangible, “the rocks” remain unfazed.
There is a simple grace to being a part of peoples lives; there has to be trust, vulnerability, and a willingness to be open and flexible.
Drew and I are each others “person” we feel as though we have the freedom to be as open and honest as possible without emotionally scarring one another. There are times where we fail miserably and we still end up hurting, but over all, I am for a short time of hurt over a lifetime of resentment. One thing we are very passionate about is talking more than we should, even when we don’t want to. Meaning, instead of wallowing in silence, licking our wounds and cowering in the corners of our minds, we choose to peel back the scar and expose the ugly side of ourselves, allowing for vulnerability. We are are not perfect (so far from perfect in fact we probably couldn’t find it on a map if we tried), but I feel there is something to be said for recognition and effort. We know our struggles, we know our flaws (well, most of them anyway), and we choose to try and fight the temptation to become set in our ways, though it would be much easier and less taxing.
Learning to be honest, to voice your heart, and be vulnerable to those around you is like going for a long hike. The first part is always the worst, making you wonder why you are even venturing out risking life and limb and possible cardiac arrest. But the further you go and the more you invest of yourself, the greater the reward will be in the end.