I'm sitting here, sipping my coffee, in a pool of soft spring sunlight. The air is perfectly warm, music carrying the morning moments, a wave of harmony and contentment... and yet... there is a twinge.
I feel it, tucked beneath my ribs, nestled next to my heart. Is it heart ache? no... Is it anxiety about the day ahead? no... it is jealousy, it is longing, it is a lie leaching itself into my mind, and my mind perceives it as truth (which is about as good as getting a tattoo, while drunk, and underage... that is to say it is foolish and funny if only you can step back and see it that way).
What am I jealous of? People... why am I jealous? Because I am not doing what they are doing. Can I change that? no... So why be jealous? GOOD QUESTION.
There is immense pressure to be everything to everyone all of the time. To live a 'cool' life, to look a certain way, TO POST THE PERFECT SELFIE! (That last one really doesn't get to me much...but still) Instagram and twitter have abused the idea of 'how we ought to live' more than Rihanna in her Chris Brown days! We sit, battered and bewildered, confused as to why we feel despondent and worn down... but can't help ourselves, we crave the feeling that double tap gives us more than a crack whore craves a fix. We love it, so we suffer the consequences.
Jealousy is known as the 'green monster' for a reason, it has a power linked to our deepest desires and ideas of who we are or who we wish to be. It is fed by social media and our insecurities. The truth of the matter is, the more we are true to ourselves, the more we let go of the jealous side of longing, the more we are able to get out of our own way and pursue the things we are meant for, to live the day we are meant to, to become the person we are supposed to be. Longing isn't a bad thing, coupled with jealousy however, it is toxic.
For me, in this moment, as my coffee grows cold, my heart beats more rapidly, my mind wanders aimlessly, I realize the best I can do is put down the phone, close the computer and simply breath. I can accept where I am at in life (which is actually a really good place) and learn from these feelings of longing, using their energy to push me forward (rather than hold me back). Meditate on the positive, let go of the negative. Slowly letting the bruises heal.
Life is full of great potential, we all know what we need to do, we are simply afraid of doing it. We are our greatest assets and our biggest deterrent. The question is, which will you choose to be today?
*this photo makes my heart ache for contentment. The sunset, the thought of travel and adventure... these things (as cheese-wizz as it may seem) give me motivation.