This past weekend was… interesting.
Drew and I have been in a rather strange place mentally as of late. Figuring out how, where, what, when to spend our money on, while still paying off his student loans and paying the car down as fast as possible so we don’t have to think about it anymore (the joys of adulthood, am I right!?). The thing of it is, LA is a pricey place to live and we have made our fair share of cut backs, trimming the fat if you will (no shopping sprees for this girl, Black Friday and holiday sale emails will be the death of me I swear), so that we can someday, hopefully, have a little more superfluous cash (all I could see as I typed that was Jean Ralphio singing to Tom Haverford, “I’m flush with Caaashhh”). Not that we will be loaded or anything remotely close, but having those “debts” out of the way would certainly take some pressure off of life.
Thinking about these things has made this season… interesting.
Now, you may be reading this and thinking “why is it all so ‘interesting’?”. In this case it is because the holidays are approaching and everything in life cost money, making our budget mindset have small seizures every time we contemplate doing something outside the parameters we have set up for keeping us out of the red. Money is a touchy subject and talking money is like feeling someone up in broad daylight… in public. It causes people to say and do the strangest things. It adds to “social standing” or status, it will take you places and provide things that you may otherwise never get to see or experience, it does in a sense have the ultimate super power (making Batman the ultimate super hero, because not only was he human and not genetically altered, he was loaded!).
Friday afternoon was a lesson in self inflicted torture. I went to a sample sale and resisted purchasing items that were so marked down it felt like a crime not taking them home… but Rebecca Minkoff marked down was still too much for this girls budget.
That night Drew and I had planned to go to dinner, see a documentary with friends and then out for a cocktail and late night diner stop, but when faced with the other ventures of the weekend and realizing that outing alone would easily cost over a hundred dollars we opted to stay in. Glamping in the living room with christmas lights, homemade chinese food and the Downton Abbeys Christmas episode was enough to make this girl a happy glamper. We snuggled under the covers, talked about life and dreamed up what the holidays would look like this year.
Saturday and Sunday both had potential but were left with hours lost in pointless money, life, stress, induced arguments.
Saturday we drove to San Diego to spend the day with Drews brother, whom we love dearly, but have a relatively hard time with. He is the sweetest guy and biggest chotch you will ever meet, making him a human anomaly. We took him to Snooze, our very favorite breakfast spot from Colorado now conveniently 2 hours away… not convenient at all actually, but totally worth it.
One mall visit, Argo screening, coffee stop, hair cut later we were back on the 5 headed home.
On the drive back we had a conversation with Eric, that started out of a genuine place of apology and love (from Drew and I to him) that ended with me feeling like a shell of a human being and a failure at life (a lot of meant to be harmless things were said on Erics part that instead came off rather accusatory). Though his statements may not have been true, they cut me to the core.
The feeling of failure lingered into Sunday morning. I felt it the moment my eye strained to open. However, I was determined to make the best of it and just get over myself. The day would prove to have other plans for me. Instead of getting over myself and having a great day, circumstances outside of my control changed the plans for the day and I was left feeling worse then where I started. It was emotional dominoes, one ticked falling in slow motion and collided with another, then another, then another… I fell, broke down like a five year old and sobbed. I wasn’t crying to throw a tantrum. I was crying for the sacrifices that felt empty, felt hollow in that moment. I was crying for all of the people I miss, all of the holiday events that are happening, all of the gifts I can’t give (I love giving presents… more than receiving them… it is my love language). I hurt, deeply, and couldn’t let it go.
I stayed, in my sweat-pant-clad hurt for most of the day. I really could have used a Bat-signal in that moment, not for any looming danger, but rather, so he could help a damsel in distress by taking her out for a little retail/ life experience therapy, he is a multi-millionaire after all.
Though it took several hours, some long talks and a good book, somehow or another I managed to get by with out Batman. I pulled myself together and ventured out to a friends house for Christmas movie night.
Several hours and one terrible holiday film later I felt like a real human again and it cost me…nothing.
Moral of this story ended up being, sometimes you just need to learn lifes lessons and be thankful for movie nights with friends… people and experiences are worth more than a new bag (though I am rather miffed at the actual scientific studies that have proven this experiential happiness theory … I mean, I would really like that new bag too… but hey, thats not the moral today). You never really realize how important people are when you have a community around constantly. Move 2,000 miles across the country, loose every stable relationship you have ever had and then tell me you don’t want retail therapy and major life adventures to make you feel better.
Today may be a fresh start, but I fashioned a bat-signal out of an old lamp and (glittery) construction paper just incase.