While sitting in the Apple Store deleting things off my computer so I could back things up to the cloud… or whatever, I stumbled across this moment. This piece I wrote while sitting on the floor of my walk in closet with life outside the door falling apart. Reading these words brought tears to my eyes. I remember this day, I remember the light from my bathroom filling the small space where my yoga mat was laid out- between the rows of hung and folded clothing… my feet starting to tingle from sitting crosslegged too long… I remember the girl I was, the fear in my heart, the unspoken anxiety and sadness stirring like an unsettled sea inside of me.
The past two and a half years has healed so much. Life has changed infinitely for the better and I, by the grace of God, am no longer the scared girl I was then… though I still resonate with her words, I still believe them with my whole heart and they were the perfect reminder for me today… a gift from my past self to my present. I hope they are a good reminder for you too.
I don’t know about you, but in my mind the world used to be a more simple place where you grew up in a community and it shaped you and you figured out who you were, where you were, and how you fit in the world... now we are individuals fighting to be something or go somewhere... it is exhausting.
How are we supposed to know who we are if we are constantly changing to fit a group of people, a job, a status, a ‘life style’? How can we survive or have REAL meaning if we are hopping from place to place never really landing on anything solid, never putting down roots so we can grow. “Thats just the world today” thats what the news and social media would lead us to believe. Do more things, gain more followers, go more places, be MORE of a person on social media, all the while you cease to realize that you are sacrificing having real friendships, experiencing the moments and places you are going to and, worst of all, you cease to recognize yourself.
You are more.
You are breath and body.
You are soul and spirit.
You are a heart that beats.
Eyes that see.
Ears that hear.
You. are. here.
... I am here.
I feel like I forget that sometimes…a lot of times… I get wrapped up in the logistics of living, the big picture, the long game... and I forget to breath (no seriously, I forget to physically breath, it is a problem).
If you are quiet for a moment... if you are still... you will hear it, you will feel it. Your soul is begging you, your body is aching, for you to accept who you are, where you are, what you are... every fiber, every flaw, every beautiful, fucked up character trait matters, they are your teachers and friends, they guide and grow you.
We are on a planet and that is a wondrous thing (shout out to Pete Holmes and Rob Bell).
This is a reminder to myself... As I sit on my yoga mat, in my closet, listening to the sound of traffic pass by on the other side of the door.
*take a deep breath*